🎬 Tips for Directing Intimate Scenes on a Film Set

In case you haven’t seen my film Maya & Her Lover, just know it features a couple of raw sex scenes. Kind of right there in the title, no?

My original title was Meeting Maya—which honestly sounds like a coming-of-age indie film where nothing happens but a lot of people stare out of windows. I wanted something bold, something provocative that grabs your interest like The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover... and eventually landed on Maya & Her Lover.

Beyond the title, what mattered to me most in telling this story was being honest about complicated relationships—and portraying sex realistically. I didn’t want the Hollywood “soft music, lit candles, flowing curtains, perfectly timed satisfaction” treatment or satisfaction at all! I wanted awkwardness. Urgency. Chemistry. And I wanted Maya to be left feeling hopeful but without climaxing!

And here's what I learned about directing sex scenes while making this film:

1. Understand the Stakes — Especially for Women
   Women tend to be more cautious about on-screen nudity or sex scenes, and for good reason. Historically, actresses have been more exploited than their male counterparts. Trust is everything. Your role as a director is to make the actor feel safe with you. The actress I initially approached had a previous bad experience and declined to take on the role. I offered the idea of a body double — but even then, a double is still a stand-in for the actor’s body. Either way it’s a vulnerable position to be in.
2. Create a Safe, Closed Set — For Real
   We filmed our scene in an apartment and technically had a “closed set” — only myself, the DP, and the actors were in the room. But the rest of the crew was just on the other side of the door. Since we were rolling sound, they had to be quiet — and that weird silence made things feel more awkward. Lesson learned: If possible, clear the entire space. A closed set should feel closed, not just be one in name only.
3. Build Time Into the Schedule
   Sex scenes aren’t like your average scene — they’re emotionally and physically demanding. We filmed Maya & Her Lover in 12 days, which meant a lot of setups per day. But actors need space to mentally and emotionally prepare. For the most part the actors are naked expect for strategically placed pasties and again, feeling pretty vulnerable. Whether it’s meditating, breathing, or simply sitting in silence, don’t rush them. It’s their bodies on screen — give them the time and respect they deserve.
4. Choreograph It — Even If It’s “Raw”
   I kept saying I wanted a “raw” sex scene. But “raw” still needs direction. Actors can’t guess what’s in your head — and certainly not while half-naked in a hot room, trying to stay in character. We ended up having conversations on set that should have happened beforehand. I had to call out directions during takes — “touch her leg,” “kiss his neck” — which worked and I probably would have done that anyway, but if I’d spent more time discussing the scene beat by beat beforehand, I would’ve captured everything I envisioned – never enough time.
5. Collaborate and Listen
   Never ignore an actor’s discomfort — especially during scenes involving nudity, stunts, or anything physically or emotionally vulnerable. This cannot be overstated enough. They’re trusting you with their image and, in many ways, their reputation. Even if you have a clear vision, make room for their ideas. On Maya & Her Lover, the actors suggested a power shift in the second sex scene — and it ended up enhancing the story beautifully. Let them bring their instincts and chemistry (during a sex scene especially) to the table.
6. Hire an Intimacy Coordinator (Seriously)
   We didn’t have one on Maya & Her Lover — they weren’t as common back then. But I’ve used them since, and they’re invaluable. An intimacy coordinator acts as a buffer between actor and director, helping to communicate boundaries and consent clearly. Sometimes actors don’t feel comfortable pushing back when dealing with a director one on one. They need that buffer. Coordinators help ensure that everyone is aligned. My casting director was the liaison between me and the talent’s agents. She helped secure the nudity rider which is a pretty perfunctory thing — “butt for 30 seconds,” “side boob but no nipple,” etc. — knowing what the actor is comfortable with ahead of time allows you to plan accordingly.